I am often overwhelmed by directionless feelings. I can have all the drive and all the ambition in the world, but I can’t get past the sense of helplessness in executing what I want to become. John Green addressed some of this feeling in his speech at The Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall. It’s the idea of the point of one’s life – of wanting the universe to pay attention to you. Can my life be meaningful and matter even if I only live in one place, only do one thing, only directly influence a small circle of people? I feel that John would argue yes, of course. I want to feel that way. I do, but there is this voice in my head that is akin to fear and asks me would that be really so?

I am overwhelmed by the many things I want to do. There’s so many projects I want to embark on. There are so many stories I want to tell. I want to learn guitar and piano and mandolin. I want to sing every day. I want to cook better and be in a short film and make YouTube videos. I think all my floundering comes mostly from the immensity of possibility. How do I even begin?

I could live my whole life and do one thing, but do it extraordinarily well. I might never move to New York. I may only write a handful of sub-par short stories. I might not sing the songs I want to sing or see the places I want to see. But those are all hypotheticals. It all could go the other way as well. Uncertainty is mixed with being young. There is the whole of the rest of my life ahead of me, as long or as short as it’s intended to be and I want it to be a good one.

Even if I don’t succeed the way I want to, I know I won’t be alone. There are people in my life I care about so much it makes my chest ache. So that is something, at least.

xx

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