Being Sick

So, what’s up internet? I’m on day eight of being bedridden and it’s starting to get a little tedious.

I’ll cut to the chase, somehow through the funny laws of fate and the universe I picked up mononucleosis, which is a stupid and fairly infectious illness that makes your throat feel like it is trying to separate from your body, makes it IMPOSSIBLE to swallow things (like food and water, vital for life), and basically makes you useless, tired, and generally exhausted.

As is the case with most sickness, I was not  prepared to get sick. Being sick, as a general rule, does not care if you want to be ill (but then who wants to be ill?). Fortunately, I was already in my hometown at my parent’s house for the weekend when I was diagnosed with it. We had to go to the ER and everything. This is definitely the most sick I have ever been. But I have a nice big bed here and decent wifi. I had to take the whole week off of work which drives me nuts. I don’t like to be that guy who has to rest or take a break, but since I didn’t exactly have a choice, I just sort of went with it.

And now this coming week is round two of being bedridden. My doctor has given me permission to at least work from home (so I feel a little less useless). Mostly I am upset because I had to cancel my trip to California. I was supposed to leave on Tuesday to visit some friends in CA and also to attend the best web video conference in the land, VidCon. Due to the nature of mono (i.e. there is no cure except resting and waiting for it to go away by itself), the trip was out of the question, as my doctor immediately informed me. The risk of relapse is too high (and there is no way in hell I’m going back to being as sick as I was at the beginning of the week). But I am sad. Very sad. I know my feeds are soon going to be flooded with all the fun times happening across the country and I wish I could be there to take part too. More than just missing the fun times, I am specifically sad I’ll be missing seeing all the friends I made last summer and the people I only get to see once a year.

Plus, there is something mentally draining about being confined to one space. Even though I know I need to rest and it is helping and is good for me, I’m still getting a little bit of cabin fever. Every website I read tells me to be patient with my body but my mind is so much speedier than the rest of me. Plus this whole sick business comes after months of me fighting with my stomach and having all these dietary problems (which have curiously dissipated in the wake of le mono,; we’ll see what happens with that). All in all I just feel betrayed my by own body and my own cells. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be motivated and able to do anything I want to do. And I feel like I can’t control that.

Maybe I can’t. I don’t know. Maybe I just need more vitamin C and less stress and more sleep and relaxation tutorials. I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired and frustrated with my complete sense of helplessness. Because there really is just nothing I can do except  wait and try not to be too upset about it.

I know that everything is going to get better with time. And I know this week is going to be long and hard as I’m stuck in bed (at least I’ll have work to do) and I’m mostly alone. My family has been great through all this but still. They have lives and I feel slightly guilty for even being here and taking up their time. My home life is nothing if not slightly turbulent and I worry that my presence/illness is just making things more difficult, adding more stress and pressure. Plus being so much on one’s own leads to thoughts upon which one probably ought not dwell. But what else is there to dwell upon?

I’m not sure if any of that made any sense or anything, but I just wanted to say something. Grab a little control of something. Anything.

Okay. </end rant>

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