O captain, my captain

I’ve been trying to find the words to express the welling sadness I feel inside me. How strange and how delightful that a person you have never met can so impact your life.

It seemed I grew up surrounded by Robin Williams films. He was always in the movies I loved best. Aladdin, Dead Poet’s Society, Hook, Good Will Hunting, The Birdcage, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, and god so many more. He was a staple of my childhood: the definitive funny man. When I thought of comedic talent, he was always one of the first names to my lips.  He was a ball of energy, a force that could not be contained. His humor was massive and expansive and you could not help but laugh. It was a knee jerk reaction. I cannot even imagine the sheer billions upon billions of smiles and laugher he has solely elicited over the years, myself included in the numbers.

And now I feel is loss greatly; the world has lost someone without measure, priceless, unique, one in a million, a hundred hundred billion. I can’t believe this man is gone. An actor and comedian I never knew but through his art. And yet, he touched my life. You never know the lives you touch or even who is affecting your own, until moments like these. I am overwhelmed by his loss and overwhelmed by the amount of lives he is affected. I feel as if the world is humming with a communal grief.

His death just makes me so wistfully sad. If only, if only, if only so many people, Williams included, knew how loved they were, how talented, how needed, how appreciated. I’ve been through bouts of depression most of my life. I know how it drags you down into the swamps and holds you under the murky water. I know how it feels impossible to go on. And I am enormously grateful that I’ve had people who’ve helped me rise up and keep me treading water, especially when it feels like it would be so much easier to sink under.

There is so much to live for. It’s something I often have to remind myself. And I wish someone could have reminded him too.

Rest peacefully, Robin Williams.

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